A Battle with Cancer
....
April 24, 2024
Today, it dawned on me that I am trying to escape the reality that I have Cancer. I have been putting off going to see my doctor, maybe because I am still holding on to the idea that this Cancer thing is just a nightmare. Any time soon I might wake up and learn that this was all a dream.
If I go see the doctor, I will be alone in this fight. The so - called best friend " Chris " is more like a chat GPT than a real life person. I wanted to confide in him that I am scared, but yet every time I do so, he cries and I feel like I have to be the strong one and I cannot cry. I cannot break down since people are counting on me to survive.
Sometimes I think, what if I will not have myself treated and instead take charge of my own life. I do not think God is so cruel that he will not give me an opportunity to be the one to end it. To live and die as how I see fit.
....
July 30, 2024
I have came to a point that the first real tears strolled down my cheeks as it finally dawned on me that I have Stage III Breast Cancer. The doctor looked at me and told me what are my options considering I have the dreaded Her 2 Disease. Not only have I to undergo Chemotherapy, but I have to do the whole She-bang. After 6 cycles of Chemotherapy that will cost like 44,000 per session, I have to do Surgery and Radiation and a year's worth of Hormonal Therapy. All I can think of when she was explaining these things is how I look like with bald head. I asked if I can defer the treatment until October due to a scheduled trip I was supposedly planned with Friends, and I guess a client visit I needed to accomplish. I guess, I am planning how it is now. I have finally come to terms that there is no denying the cancer inside me, and no matter how much I try to wake up from this nightmare, I continue to live this dream. Tomorrow, when I open my eyes, I still will have Cancer and it is not going away... not unless I fight it. Yet, can I fight this battle alone?
.....
August 28, 2024
It has finally started.. the Hair fall.
Last July, when the doctor told me I have Stage III Breast Cancer, no tear was shed. I had expected it, and thus knew it was coming. However, when she told me I will lose my hair due to chemotherapy, the tears suddenly fell. Those words hit like a tsunami, and for some reason I cannot stop the tears from streaming down my face.
So I said, okay.. rather than moan and cry about what is to happen, I needed to focus on the "now".
I had my first chemotherapy last August 13, and felt fine... my inner obnoxious self thought I can beat this, and I am special from all of the other horror stories of cancer patient bawling and unable to move due to fatigue.
However today, August 28, 2024, I woke up with tons of my hair found on my pillow.
It finally happen. I will lose my hair.
II know it's very vain of me that I am just crying now over falling hair, but I guess I am crying because it weighed down on me that I am just like any other cancer patient. I will get bald, and I will battle this disease that will never go away.
But still I am holding on that I can do it...
......
September 4, 2024
My first breakdown was today when I simply broke down and cried.
It's very painful and hard, and I am tired of pretending to strong.
.......
September 11, 2024
🕊️ My Journey, One Year Later 🕊️
In June 2023, my life changed forever. While my father was fighting his own battles having suffered a stroke, I discovered I had cancer. I was forced to compartmentalize my pain and face the biggest test of my life—conquering the 2023 Hernando Bar exam. I achieved my dream of becoming a lawyer, only to face an even greater test from God: the start of my cancer treatment.
Now, a year later, as I navigate my chemo journey, I have lost my hair, my once-clear skin bears the marks of the battle, and every day feels like a fight. People tell me to stay strong, to keep going, but here's the truth: I am only human. And to those going through similar battles, I want you to know that it is perfectly okay not to be strong all the time. It’s okay to feel weak. It is in our weakness that we experience our humanity.
On the days when I feel like I can’t go on, I simply remind myself that it is a gift to simply breathe, especially when life feels like it's on borrowed time. I keep telling myself that we only die once, but every single moment we live— let us truly live.
I've learned to appreciate the little things, the simple joys of life, and the magic of being alive even when it’s tough.
I’m not here to inspire but to share this today on September 11, when people lost so many on this day, I am truly grateful that I am still here. If I look back a year from now 🔥and I’m still breathing, at least I can say, I damn made it. 💪✨
--------
October 24, 2024
A Facebook memory just pop-up and it says 12 years ago I went to the Vatican, and it made me realize that at 26 I have achieved the unthinkable and actually went in an amazing adventure across Europe.
I came from a very humble background, and people my age at that time were struggling to make ends meet and even do not have the luxury to fulfill their dreams. Yet, even though I came from such a humble background, I had amazing parents who supported my happiness. They always say Parents tell you what is best for your and always pressure you to excel, but now that we have grown up...looking back the kind of parents we had and tough love they impose.. made us actually achieve the dreams even at an early age. I guess having Cancer was a curse and a blessing given to me so I can walk in the shoes of what My mom went through. She had cancer at 35 and died at 65... and if only she could have gotten the treatment she would still be with us, but then if she had then her family would suffer the financial burden of it all as she was the breadwinner, and I , her youngest wouldn't even get the chance to live an amazing life. This is the biggest realization that dawned on me, that I literally owe the life I have lived and am living because of my mom. She withstood it all and gave the biggest sacrifice so that we can live an amazing life.
Now, even in my own journey where I am constantly exhausted. I am channeling the strength of my rock.. Madam Racks.. who fought and stood tirelessly to be a true mother. Selfless and Serving.
I am humbled and grateful for this gift bestowed upon me and I would say, there is more to life and I am meant to conquer Cancer for me and for her. Since this life is not mine alone but also a gift from my mother... my Nanay.
------
November 26, 2024
It has been almost a month since my last breakdown, and I have been coping up pretty well I must say. The last chemo session was the hardest as I felt like I am reaching a point where I question if it was all worth it.
Is injecting my body with poison causing my nail beds to turn black and body weakening the cure to cancer, or am I slowly poisoning myself and killing whatever life that I have left?
I am approaching my 5th chemo session with stronger drugs this 29th. I do not know if I am able to withstand the exhaustion or if I can keep up the way that I am keeping up now. They say your body weakens even further, but I have no idea if I can recover. I wish I can say I am strong but my mental fortitude is slowly withering away.
My faith is slowly dwindling...
and now all is left is left is me counting the hours until my final breath? I guess I have to regain my mental strength as I approach my 5th Chemo.
I am a gamer by heart so I approach every chemo session as a dungeon level I must conquer... Another dragon to slay and a monster to fight. Every level always gets tough, and even if my mana and stamina are depleting, I choose not to give up this game.. for this game I am playing now is the Game of Life.
----------
November 29, 2024
My 5th chemo... done. Feeling a roller coaster of emotions, and I couldn't sleep. Nothing in Netflix and all of my subscriptions were good to cheer me up today so I decided to check Bumble.
Big mistake huh.
I apparently talked to someone who from the moment I shared that I am not really looking for a relationship but rather someone to talk to. I did not expect that he got into his high horse and started to judge me as a cheater. Even when I tried to explain about Cancer... I end up getting shut down and judge like crazy. Mean words were thrown like I am I am such a lowly slut and evil person being unfair to the person. Before I can even open my side of the story... I ended the call to calm things. I ended up getting blocked. Unmatch... and to top it all off, I got branded as cheater.
What is a definition of a cheater? A liar. a deceitful person. A person who was not upfront with you from the start. Did I lie? Did I tell you I am single? A resounding NO. Did I share the truth? YES. Does Chris know? YES.
So why I am crucified before I could even share why I am in a dating app.
I did not intend to be there to find marriage. I don't even think I will live long. All I wanted is just to be someone not me right now. Someone who is not dying. To talk to someone who does not know me, to not be listening to problems of another and trying to solve their issues. To just be free from the person I am right now. Is that so wrong?
Before you would judge me and brand me as well. I hope you could be kind and try to listen to the person. I hope you would understand the person.
I am just trying to live the only way I know I can.
So Jay, I only pray that when you turn the lights off tonight, the thought of me will pop into your head and maybe in your dreams you can apologize to me to how you have treated a person who was just trying to be okay... today. Today when I got my 5th chemo and had no one to talk to. A person who was simply trying to escape the pain.... today.
