A Battle with Cancer

 A Battle with Cancer 

.... 

April 24, 2024

    Today, it dawned on me that I am trying to escape the reality that I have Cancer. I have been putting off going to see my doctor, maybe because I am still holding on to the idea that this Cancer thing is just a nightmare. Any time soon I might wake up and learn that this was all a dream. 

    If I go see the doctor, I will be alone in this fight. The so - called best friend " Chris " is more like a chat GPT than a real life person. I wanted to confide in him that I am scared, but yet every time I do so, he cries and I feel like I have to be the strong one and I cannot cry. I cannot break down since people are counting on me to survive.

    Sometimes I think, what if I will not have myself treated and instead take charge of my own life. I do not think God is so cruel that he will not give me an opportunity to be the one to end it. To live and die as how I see fit. 

....

July 30, 2024

    I have came to a point that the first real tears strolled down my cheeks as it finally dawned on me that I have Stage III Breast Cancer. The doctor looked at me and told me what are my options considering I have the dreaded Her 2 Disease. Not only have I to undergo Chemotherapy, but I have to do the whole She-bang. After 6 cycles of Chemotherapy that will cost like 44,000 per session, I have to do Surgery and Radiation and a year's worth of Hormonal Therapy. All I can think of when she was explaining these things is how I look like with bald head. I asked if I can defer the treatment until October due to a scheduled trip I was supposedly planned with Friends, and I guess a client visit I needed to accomplish. I guess, I am planning how it is now. I have finally come to terms that there is no denying the cancer inside me, and no matter how much I try to wake up from this nightmare, I continue to live this dream. Tomorrow, when I open my eyes, I still will have Cancer and it is not going away... not unless I fight it. Yet, can I fight this battle alone? 

.....

August 28, 2024

    It has finally started.. the Hair fall. 

    Last July, when the doctor told me I have Stage III Breast Cancer, no tear was shed. I had expected it, and thus knew it was coming. However, when she told me I will lose my hair due to chemotherapy, the tears suddenly fell. Those words hit like a tsunami, and for some reason I cannot stop the tears from streaming down my face. 

    So I said, okay.. rather than moan and cry about what is to happen, I needed to focus on the "now". 

I had my first chemotherapy last August 13, and felt fine... my inner obnoxious self thought I can beat this, and I am special from all of the other horror stories of cancer patient bawling and unable to move due to fatigue. 

    However today, August 28, 2024, I woke up with tons of my hair found on my pillow. 

It finally happen. I will lose my hair. 

   II know it's very vain of me that I am just crying now over falling hair, but I guess I am crying because it weighed down on me that I am just like any other cancer patient. I will get bald, and I will battle this disease that will never go away. 

    But still I am holding on that I can do it... 

......

September 4, 2024

    My first breakdown was today when I simply broke down and cried.

    It's very painful and hard, and I am tired of pretending to strong. 

.......

September 11, 2024

🕊️ My Journey, One Year Later 🕊️

In June 2023, my life changed forever. While my father was fighting his own battles having suffered a stroke, I discovered I had cancer. I was forced to compartmentalize my pain and face the biggest test of my life—conquering the 2023 Hernando Bar exam. I achieved my dream of becoming a lawyer, only to face an even greater test from God: the start of my cancer treatment.

Now, a year later, as I navigate my chemo journey, I have lost my hair, my once-clear skin bears the marks of the battle, and every day feels like a fight. People tell me to stay strong, to keep going, but here's the truth: I am only human. And to those going through similar battles, I want you to know that it is perfectly okay not to be strong all the time. It’s okay to feel weak. It is in our weakness that we experience our humanity. 

On the days when I feel like I can’t go on, I simply remind myself that it is a gift to simply breathe, especially when life feels like it's on borrowed time. I keep telling myself that we only die once, but every single moment we live— let us truly live.

I've learned to appreciate the little things, the simple joys of life, and the magic of being alive even when it’s tough.

I’m not here to inspire but to share this today on September 11, when people lost so many on this day, I am truly grateful that I am still here. If I look back a year from now 🔥and I’m still breathing, at least I can say, I damn made it. 💪✨

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October 24, 2024

A Facebook memory just pop-up and it says 12 years ago I went to the Vatican, and it made me realize that at 26 I have achieved the unthinkable and actually went in an amazing adventure across Europe. 

I came from a very humble background, and people my age at that time were struggling to make ends meet and even do not have the luxury to fulfill their dreams. Yet, even though I came from such a humble background, I had amazing parents who supported my happiness. They always say Parents tell you what is best for your and always pressure you to excel, but now that we have grown up...looking back the kind of parents we had and tough love they impose.. made us actually achieve the dreams even at an early age. I guess having Cancer was a curse and a blessing given to me so I can walk in the shoes of what My mom went through. She had cancer at 35 and died at 65... and if only she could have gotten the treatment she would still be with us, but then if she had then her family would suffer the financial burden of it all as she was the breadwinner, and I , her youngest wouldn't even get the chance to live an amazing life. This is the biggest realization that dawned on me, that I literally owe the life I have lived and am living because of my mom. She withstood it all and gave the biggest sacrifice so that we can live an amazing life. 

Now, even in my own journey where I am constantly exhausted. I am channeling the strength of my rock.. Madam Racks.. who fought and stood tirelessly to be a true mother. Selfless and Serving. 

I am humbled and grateful for this gift bestowed upon me and I would say, there is more to life and I am meant to conquer Cancer for me and for her. Since this life is not mine alone but also a gift from my mother... my Nanay. 

------

November 26, 2024

It has been almost a month since my last breakdown, and I have been coping up pretty well I must say. The last chemo session was the hardest as I felt like I am reaching a point where I question if it was all worth it. 

Is injecting my body with poison causing my nail beds to turn black and body weakening the cure to cancer, or am I slowly poisoning myself and killing whatever life that I have left?

I am approaching my 5th chemo session with stronger drugs this 29th. I do not know if I am able to withstand the exhaustion or if I can keep up the way that I am keeping up now. They say your body weakens even further, but I have no idea if I can recover. I wish I can say I am strong but my mental fortitude is slowly withering away.

My faith is slowly dwindling... 

and now all is left is left is me counting the hours until my final breath? I guess I have to regain my mental strength as I approach my 5th Chemo. 

I am a gamer by heart so I approach every chemo session as a dungeon level I must conquer... Another dragon to slay and a monster to fight. Every level always gets tough, and even if my mana and stamina are depleting, I choose not to give up this game.. for this game I am playing now is the Game of Life. 

----------

November 29, 2024

My 5th chemo... done. Feeling a roller coaster of emotions, and I couldn't sleep. Nothing in Netflix and all of my subscriptions were good to cheer me up today so I decided to check Bumble. 

Big mistake huh. 

I apparently talked to someone who from the moment I shared that I am not really looking for a relationship but rather someone to talk to. I did not expect that he got into his high horse and started to judge me as a cheater. Even when I tried to explain about Cancer... I end up getting shut down and judge like crazy. Mean words were thrown like I am I am such a lowly slut and evil person being unfair to the person. Before I can even open my side of the story... I ended the call to calm things. I ended up getting blocked. Unmatch... and to top it all off, I got branded as cheater.

What is a definition of a cheater? A liar. a deceitful person. A person who was not upfront with you from the start. Did I lie? Did I tell you I am single? A resounding NO. Did I share the truth? YES. Does Chris know? YES.  

So why I am crucified before I could even share why I am in a dating app. 

I did not intend to be there to find marriage. I don't even think I will live long. All I wanted is just to be someone not me right now. Someone who is not dying. To talk to someone who does not know me, to not be listening to problems of another and trying to solve their issues. To just be free from the person I am right now. Is that so wrong?

Before you would judge me and brand me as well. I hope you could be kind and try to listen to the person. I hope you would understand the person. 

I am just trying to live the only way I know I can. 

So Jay, I only pray that when you turn the lights off tonight, the thought of me will pop into your head and maybe in your dreams you can apologize to me to how you have treated a person who was just trying to be okay... today. Today when I got my 5th chemo and had no one to talk to. A person who was simply trying to escape the pain.... today. 

------------------

April 21, 2025

Life update. 

I am still alive. 

8 Cycles of Chemo Session, almost 9 months battle. After a grueling Breast Conservation Surgery.. I am still here. 

I had a conversation with a friend earlier, and she only knew today that I had Stage 3 Breast Cancer. She mentioned I was so brave, to which I refuted that statement, and ask why do people say to a Cancer patient, " Oh, you are so Brave"

Brave?

Do you even have a choice to cower. I mean it's either you fight or you die.

So undergoing all these, treatment...the never ending doctor's appointments.. the constant dread of waiting and constant needles poking into your skin.. 

You simply do not have a choice. 

It's either you do it or you die.

I am not brave for actually fighting, I am simply human and clinging on to dear life. 

The second dreaded news I had to take in is that I have yet again undergo 10 rounds of Trastuzumab and on top of that take 4 cycles of oral chemotherapy. 

Woo hoo.... another boss in the dungeon I needed to fight

------------------

May 19, 2025

Finally done with surgery, thankfully I still have my breast and my surgeon did a breast conservation surgery. 

I am grateful, trust me. I am still here. Almost 2 years since I was diagnose with Cancer. I am still thriving.

However, these life pressures. The constant nagging demands of work, and life in general, is taking a toll on me. I have no one I can share these problems and intrusive thoughts. 

Its' like you are asked to choose between life and freedom. I feel so caged in the never ending treatments. I am not yet done, I have yet to undergo oral chemotherapy and also hormone targeted therapy. I am trying to hang in there and avoid stress, but can we really do that?

Can we really avoid life? 

Fulfilling a Dream

Dum Spiro Spero

- While I breathe I hope -

Who would have thought that it will take one giant heart break for me to take that one step to making a dream a reality. Now don't get me wrong, this is by far the hardest thing I have done since God knows when. But, for the first time in a very long time, I am actually doing something that is my own choice and that's something no one can take away. 

My life is one hell of a roller coaster that revolves around me being the instrument for those lovers of mine to fulfil their own dreams, yet no one really ask me what I wanted to do with my life. I always gave my 100% in everything that what I do benefit others more than it benefited me. For me, that was okay, being needed and being able to make others happy. Not one of them looked back and ask me if I was ever happy during those times. The hollowness I felt led to me to depression and feeling so lost.   

Travelling helped me make life more  bearable and I am able to breeze through it by making meaning over being someone's better half. I have come to realise that going back to school at 31 and literally starting over, made be figure out what I am meant to do in this world. 

Law school is one tough cookie to crack, and everyday it's a never ending of highs and lows with mostly lows as you come to question your worth and capability. However, I wouldn't trade this feeling and journey for anything in the world. 

This path was the road I am meant to take. 

This was my dream that I have put off for my aunt's dream, for my lover's future, and for so many reasons I can barely remember now. I guess this is how it feels like to have that kind of selfish which leads you to your own happiness, and say I am on the right track to becoming a better person. 

So to all the mofos who decided to break my tangible heart, thank you... 

It led me to hope.. 

to dream.. 

to pick myself up...

And to figure out that while I breathe... I can't quit. I am stronger and well prepared to take on this massive challenge of one day becoming the best God damn Lawyer there is. 

Japan Chronicles - Tokyo Adventures

So I wrote the first part of my adventure to tell you why I got the courage to pack up a bag and head over to Japan. Like many folks who dream of going to the land of the Rising Sun, I happen to be one of those cherry blossom suckers and anime lovers who wanted to experience the whole OISHI! Ohayo! And ARIGATO! Lifestyle 

Going on a solo trip to Tokyo and broke, like literally sky flakes* eating broke was quite a challenge, but through sheer luck and ingenuity I survived and had an awesome adventure. ( *Skyflakes - Filipino crackers that saves you from hunger )

I created a list of the top things which is a must when you go to Tokyo which is worth each cent of your hard earned cash.But before anything, you have to remember that most shops in Japan do not speak English, you gotta learn some courtesy words and put up a huge smile to get around the city. Also one more thing, bring CASH! Most of the shops will not accept credit card payments, so those cheap thingie boppers you want to buy, you gotta pay the old school way.

Now that we have settled the two top things you have to remember, let’s get started 

on my Tokyo adventures J

#1 – Tokyo Disney Sea

              Common who isn’t a kid at heart? Even when I am 80 years old I would still go to Disneyland. If you are aren’t like me who has been to Disneyland like 10 times, you still can’t miss visiting Disney Sea. I went to park at a rainy season but it was still super cool. It is the only Disneyland that actually has a parade on water! So yeah, maybe most of the time you can’t understand the language 'coz all shows are in Japanese, but Captain Jack Sparrow and Barbosa battling it out through a smash buckling show is something you can throw your dictionary out of the window for.

Ever been a fan of the little mermaid? Then brace yourself from shitting your pants, you will see Ariel actually floating and swimming on top of you! One show you can’t miss while you are here is the Little Mermaid and trust me this was the highlight of my day!

Little Mermaid Stage

 There are a lot of shows and rides in Disney Sea that makes one day not enough to experience it all. Be prepared for long lines that leads up to the moon, so if I were you I suggest to grab a hold of a fast pass so that you would not have to spend so much time waiting. Either way, just walking around the park is super fun 'coz you will never know who you get to have a papparazzi shot with 🦆

#2 Meiji & Senso-ji Temple

One thing that really help my broken wing was visiting the famous temples of Tokyo. If you would like to have a peaceful retreat where you can have your thoughts to yourself, I think going to Meiji Temple would be good for your mind and soul. One thing that was memorable for me was writing your deepest wish on the wooden tablet and hanging it up on the great tree. It was that moment that the heaviness I felt was lifted away. 

Another temple which was at the heart of Asakusa district was the Senso-ji temple. This is more of tourist site than a temple of prayer since they were a lot of street vendors selling memorabilia along the way. However, this is the best place to buy souvenirs and get to hop on a Japanese rickshaw. It was one of those places that was a bit crowded but your totally fine with it since you get to see people wearing Yakuta robes and dressing up like traditional Japanese men and women. 

#3 OWL Cafe --- Totally worth it!

Japan cafes are one of kind, and when I say one of a kind it truly is one-of-a-KIND! Where in the world would you be able to pet real life owls, geckos, and all sorts of exotic pets. So when I heard about a jungle cafe in Asakusa; I made sure to mark it on my to do things in Japan. 

Jungle Cafe Owl no Mori is very accessible and for 900 yen you can have a free drink and no time limit bonding with owls and other pets. 

My last adventure was in Hakone... but that deserves one page of my Japanase chronicle adventure series.

 So this is just a few things you can do while you're in Tokyo. I hope when you do visit you would have the most wonderful time like I did....

even if all you can say is...

"Arigato"

which translates to

"Thank you"

Japan Chronicles - Travel to the Rising Sun

They say once you get your heart broken one thing that you gotta do is to get out of your comfort zone and do something that you would not dare do. Some go up North of the country and travel to Vigan(The Spanish City of Ilocos Philippines), but the first time I did that, I gave a person the key to breaking my heart... and soo.... let us scrap that idea and go out to a different place where no one speaks the language and a smile from a stranger is the most comforting thing you will find.

Heart torn, pride worn out, mind all set… I went out on one great healing adventure.

Japan…. Land of the Rising Sun

Maybe here I will find my spirits rise up again and feel the beauty of being alive.

So…. Shall we begin my Japan Chronicles Day 1 with some tips?

If you are on a broke ass travels like me and got a promo fare, the first thing that you should know is that cheap flights to Japan from Cebu or Manila will enter Narita. Narita is about 1 hour away from Tokyo which is the epicenter of Japan's modern and Edo era culture. My capsule hotel was located near the Asakusabashi station which was just a train ride from Narita if you take the Keisei-Narita Station. Make sure you get the ticket from the counter ‘coz it's a reserve seating and you don't want to have to talk your way out of being an idiot in a Japanese Subway station. 

There I was in Japan apparently missing two trains ‘coz I was so hesitant to step inside a wrong one, but like all things in life I took a leap of faith and went for it and on wards I go to seeing the land of the Rising sun.😁 

Japan is unbelievable in it's quest for clean living and this is very evident with the sun roofs and greenery surrounding the area. It is light years away from the metropolis we see today. 

So with only 20,000 PHP pocket money and your trusty backpack, you better book your hotel in advance via Agoda booking services. They have the best discounts and it was awesome since my hotel for 7 days only cost me like 3,000 PHP! It was a real bargain and it helped a lot if you're on a tight budget and need to be in Japan for 7 days! So I booked a discounted rate in Hotel East 57 which was super awesome for this capsule hotel was the best when it comes to nearest transport. It's near JR trains as well as the Keiyo line which basically was the line you need to go back to Narita. 

Now that you have successfully landed in Tokyo... the next part is getting your way around it. I suggest that you don't try to wrack your brain with the Japan's railway system and get a PASCO or SUICO card, in that way you load up and not worry about always buying a ticket with another train provider. From Asakusabashi you can go to Harajuku to dress up like harajuku girls ( insert Gwen Stefani song >.< )

Harajuku St

or to Shibuya Station to have a picture with Hachiko...

Shibuya Station

Hachiko at Shibuya Station

Heartbreak

When did it go wrong?

When did I wake up to feel a touch that once warm turn to ice?

When did your eyes look mine with so much emptiness?

When did the love you once had wither away?

Heartbreak...

There's no clear 1-2-3 steps on how to recover from a heartbreak. You could search a billion number of ways looking for that elixir just to put an end to the never ending pain you feel. The pain of such lost that it feels like part of yourself is gone. What's worst is that you don't know where its coming from so you don't know how to fix it. It's funny because there would always be a cure to the physical pains we feel.  When you get migraines, when you have stomach aches, or even when you have a fractured arm. Our body knows how to heal these, but what can you do when it's your heart that's broken? What do you do that even though you feel a crushing pain on your chest, you know that no amount of pain killers will help stop it from hurting. 

For we know that your heart doesn't break. It isn't your heart that bleeds.

It's your soul and innermost being that's hurting. It is that broken trust, shattered dreams and futures that are lost forever.

So tell me, is there really a cure to such pain?

Is it a simple 1-2-3, here are the steps?

I wish I can tell you how to move one. I wish I can tell you that you would heal 'coz even I wouldn't know where to start the healing phase. 

I can only share this. If one day you find yourself with this kind of pain, know that it's okay to cry. It is okay to feel such loss. You gave it your best and that person didn't see that. He only saw your worst, and he didn't love you enough to look past that. 

It is okay to let those tears fall.

It's okay knowing that no matter how hard you would try you could have not known, and even if you knew you could not have stop yourself...

From trusting him..

From loving him...

But in those times where you feel like you cannot breathe anymore, just know that one day it will get better.

If there is one thing I know for sure is that the only cure for heartbreak is hope.

Hope that one morning you will wake up and you can smile again. 

Hope that one day you will find the love meant for you. 

Hope that one day those tears of heartbreak will turn to tears of joy. 

Hope that one moment in this life.. 

You would find ....

Happiness..

 

BBQ Night

Larsian Cebu

It has always been said that when you're in Cebu, one of the things you can't miss is enjoying a barbecue feast at the Philippine's BBQ Capital and that is Larsian Fuente Cebu. This establishment has grown to be one of the most sought after Cebu experiences. This is indeed an accomplishment coming from its humble beginnings before when in the 1980s this array of barbecue food was just found on one single street.

It is purely amazing how you see the growth of this culture and establishment. Gone are the days where you sit on a stool in a humid environment while enjoying your favorite dish. Now it is a full blown hub of different stalls created to allow the convenience for a pure enjoyable dining experience.

Even until this very moment, the taste and the secret sauces that these food vendors created stayed the same. Coming from someone who has grown up here, I can really say that the taste never changed. It just elevated to new varieties of meat to barbecue, and offer more food like that that awesome Filipino beef soup called "pochero".

Have a pick of your favorite pork, chicken or any seafoods that Cebu is known for, then cooked in that perfect grilled mechanism only these vendors know how. Then with all that, you put the secret sauce and the best hanging rice in town and you get a foodgasm like no other. The best part is?

It won't break the bank.

So if you happen to drop by at the Queen City of the South, don't forget to enjoy a meal at Larsians Cebu.

Oriental Bliss

Mandarin Plaza Hotel

In the heart of the city center, a budget escape that offers great service, clean rooms, an awesome pool and a spa package that will not hurt your wallets. 

                           

This is an oriental bliss that is a gem hidden in plain site. Near the Ayala Center Mall, it boast of luxurious rooms that you can create a haven for a quick retreat from the busy hustle and bustle of work.

- Standard Room -

This hotel just opened recently so everything about it is pristine, clean and modern. It is a perfect getaway for your loved ones or just for yourself if you need a moment to do a stay-cation. For those needing a soothing pamper but don't want to hurt the bank, this hotel offers massage and spa packages suited for you. 

                                                

It also offers a pool that allows you to relax in the heat of the summer sun while enjoying life and relieving you of all the anxieties and worries of tomorrow. 

- Pool Area -

The package that you would also get comes with a breakfast buffet that is somewhat ordinary compared to the rest of the hotel I have been with. But if ever you do get the chance to try their bread pudding, I suggest you put it on your plate. I must say that was the highlight of the entire breakfast menu so don't miss it. 

- Breakfast Buffet -

Everyone deserves a break once in a while from the rigid routine and pressures of our work life. To achieve balance and to let go of a the stress and have a moment of serenity that will not hurt your hard earned cash is what this place offers. I must say, sometimes we work too hard to save for our dreams yet we forget to find peace in the present. The future will always be there, but to have a pause and create a reset button will not hurt you. A small price to pay for the sanity of your peaceful heart. 

An Escape Within the City

In the everyday stresses of life, may it be from the stress of work or from the stress of daily living, an escape to a deserted island where we see dolphins and whale sharks would be the cup of tea for others. Yet we have to admit that due to planning these escapes, even a one day vacation is a stress in itself. I know, I have been there and I even avoid going out of the city or planning in groups since it provides a level of anxiety to which I am running from. 

But that is not something to be ashamed of, sometimes we need a break from all the plans and have a quick non stress get away. Hence, the one secret to the success of a stress free one day vacation.... Finding good deals on hotels within the city. I always recommend booking your deals through booking.com. A quick click and a confirmation email, and viola! Your vacation at the tip of your hands. 

During this long weekend, I managed to book my one day vacation at Parklane International Hotel. At first, it's kind of intimidating stepping into the lobby with only your back pack and seeing all these corporate people with their huge luggage and corporate attires vs my oh so little backpack and slippers. But the staff were so accommodating that they even let me do an early check in since I arrived there at 12 noon. 

It was such a relaxing time to sleep in a comfortable bed and have just a moment to break free from the routine. Sometimes, though we might not say it, it's hard to live a life boxed in a routine. Everyone deserves a time to be spontaneous.

to not think, to not plan, to just be free..

This hotel offers spa activities to relax and rejuvenate which has a price range of P800-P1600 depending on what services you would like to have. 

They also have a pool and a gym to help one release our own happy hormones. Their gym and pool closes 'til 10 pm so it's up to you if you would have your work out during the day or the night

And if you're a fan of breakfast buffets like I am, they do have for me the best Filipino Cuisine buffets that has Filipino comfort food stamp all over it.

So... 

If you are feeling spontaneous and need a little break

A quick get away within the city walls 

should you dare not forsake.