Feeling

"Numb"

- inspired by the tracked La La La cover by Jasmine Thompson -

"I'm covering my ears like a kid"
Photo Owned

I closed the door behind me.

I could hear his screams, the plates breaking, and the baby crying. 
His voice like amplified sounds of hate. 
With everything happening, I can’t even bring myself to cry.

I am stunned.

I am numbed.

I am frozen.

Covering my ears to block his words, yet I can still hear him. I can still feel the daggers pierced through my heart no matter how much I try to shield it.

“I hate you, you good for nothing bitch! I own you! You worthless piece of shit! Stupid whore”

From behind the door his rage silence all other noise. The sad part about it is I don’t remember the reason of the fight, only the pain it has caused.

Then ... the sound of the door being slammed.

I am alone.

I walked to the bed to get my packed suitcase underneath it. It’s been months since I have this ready. I had meant to leave the first time his hand marked my cheek. 
I had meant to but I am still here. I don’t know why I stay; some would say because I love him so much. However, love without expectations, is it really worth it?

I caught myself staring at my suitcase and our wedding picture. I have been staring at it not doing anything. I am so pathetic I can’t even bring myself to stand up, get a cab and get out.

Why?

I am just holding on I guess.

Holding on to a promise of tomorrow.

I keep telling myself that it will get better, that when the sun will shine and the darkness gone, he will be the man I married. 
The man who loves me unconditionally and swore to never hurt me.
 If there is anything that I am fighting for… it is that hope.

Yet, in this very moment, I can just feel the coldness of my heart.
 His venom reaching through its core and slowly killing me.

I am numbing out all the pain and I want to scream and cry but all I can do is shut down.

 I need to get out.

 I have to get out.
I must get out.

Before I lose ...... me.